Confirmation Day

Well if you read previous blog posts I am on a diet called Optifast 800. I was updating how that was going but I always start things and then get distracted by something else... I blame the ADD. A brief update on that... I'm down 30lbs and several inches. I'm pretty happy with it so far and will continue.

So you are probably wondering... confirmation day??? What does that mean, especially for someone who doesn't believe in god... when confirmation usually is tied to that somehow...
Today I confirmed many things. I confirmed that people don't change. I confirmed that you can give everything you have to someone and it still might not be enough. I confirmed that my ex is only happy and sexually satisfied if he is cheating. I confirmed that I will need to pick up all of my pieces and move on.... and that this time I have to. I cannot take him back again. We have been riding this roller-coaster round and round for over a year and he fights with her and comes to me and although he and I don't usually fight he continues to go back to her. He will fight with her to keep her but he will not fight with anyone to keep me. Believing that he loved me for anything more than my money and adderall is a fantasy. Confirming that everyone who has been telling me all this over and over and over and over is right is what hurts most. I don't like not being right. I am not right on this. There is not a person there that others don't see. There is not a good person there hiding behind years of struggle and pain. There is not a person there who cares about me, let alone loves me. While he always falls back on him treating me better than anyone else I have been with, that's really sad for me. He only treated me right in the beginning and he was still cheating then, Its been almost 2 years and I am still not enough and not what his heart wants. If after all this time he still doesn't "know" if I'm the one then I'm not the one. After all the times he has hurt me and left me wondering if he was only playing a role to get what he wanted or needed at the time, I should know by now that he is not the one for me either. The one for me wouldn't do this to me once, let alone repeatedly. I suck at letting go and moving on. I guess that's the next obstacle in my life that I need to overcome. Well... thanks for the ear...

Day 11

The weekends are hard. I want to snack. I want to crunch really... and salt. I had some rice chips and a small bag of jalapeno chips. Ill have to circle the block twice tonight for it.
During the week its easy to just keep working and not eat and get home, eat a soup and a shake and go to bed.
I had no problem going out to eat the other day with someone and just having water.
I feel really good overall. I like the scale going down a little at a time.

Day 8

Yesterday at my appointment I weighed 5.8lbs less than on day 1. This morning MY scale shows me down 9lbs from day 1. Both are amazing to me. I have been doing much better at staying on track with the kids at their dads. I picked up more shakes and soups at my appointment yesterday. I got 2 chocolate, 1 strawberry, 2 tomato, and 1 chicken. I need to pick up a multi vitamin and work harder at drinking 64ozs of water and go8ng on more walks. Im looking forward to seeing the scale tomorrow.

Day 5

Yesterday I ate 1 cookie, 3 carrot sticks and 6 jalapeno chips in addition to my shakes and soups. I blame my kids, especially the younger one for driving me CRAZY! Today, being Saturday, also extremely hard to stay on track. I'm at home with the boys, younger one driving me CRAZY again.... and I'm bored. I find it hard to do anything when my youngest is home. He is constantly asking questions and moving and messing with everything. I have loads of stuff I could be doing that would help in keeping my mind off snacking but I will be driven insane while doing any of those things by my inquisitive ball of energy child. I'm also completely side tracked by thoughts relating to a recent relationship.
I had my delish breakfast shake and for a late lunch I mixed a chicken soup and vegi soup. The soups smell real gross when you are mixing them but smell yummy after being heated. That is weird. Also, I'm down another pound for a total of 6... since Monday.

Day 3/4

Started at 10am with a delish chocolate shake with cocoa powder combined with a large glass of ice and 2 shots of espresso from dunkin. Had a strawberry shake on my way home at 1pm. Enjoyed my oldests last day of elementary school... tried real hard not to cry. Had a chicken soup around 8 when I actually decided to cook dinner for my kids. At about 10pm I made another vegetable soup, this time using less water and it was MUCH better, and a vanilla shake. My stomach grumbled a bit while I was going to sleep but I was fine.
This morning my scale was down 5lbs from where its been holding for the last couple years. I will report only official weight from the docs scale but give a general for my own. Same chocolate/cocoa powder/espresso drink so far. I really do enjoy that. I brought a tomato soup and something to cook it in and a strawberry shake for the afternoon. I might try one of the shakes that is mixed with the diet soda's tonight... we'll see. So far I am having problems keeping up with my water intake but everything else is fine.

Day 2

Yesterday was mostly a wash due to not being able to get the meds so I don't get any gallstones. I picked up all the extracts and spices I thought I would use. I had one of the chocolate shakes for dinner.
Today I started with a chocolate shake with some cocoa poweder in it and stopped for 2 shots of espresso over ice. That was delish. I had a strawberry shake at lunch and it was also delish. I ended up leaving work early for a kid thing and because I had brought a vegetable soup with me... but nothing to cook it in. Fail. So I made that when I got home. I think I used too much water because it wasnt very good at all. It kinda tasted like hot water with a hint if vegetables. I decided to tey the tomato soup when I was making dinner for the boys. I used less water for that and it was yummy. I'm gonna do a vanilla shake before bed. Overall it hasn't been so bad. My stomach has grumbled a bit and I was hungry this afternoon but I think its doable.

Day 1

I weighed in at 230lbs. I purchased 1 box of strawberry, 1 of vanilla,1 of chocolate and 1 of tomato soup, 1 of vegetable soup, and 1 of chicken soup. Each box is $19.95. They gave me a list of things I can make with the shakes/soups by adding diet pops, extracts and seasonings.
I got enough to get me to next weeks apppintment. Right now this totally seems doable and I'm looking forward to the results.

A horrible ending

I graduated this weekend with an MBA. I was congratulated by everyone I knew. I spent the weekend with the person I thought I would be with forever. The person I have spent the last tumultuous year and a half with. The person I have given everything to; my time, my money, my freedom, my vacation days; my heart. Even up until 9pm tonight he used my money to get gas and smokes for tomorrow. He left my house at 830pm with a kiss goodbye and an I'll talk to you later. At 920pm I received a text from him that he has decided he wants to be with another girl. He is in love with her. His text read "Hey, before you hear it from someone else, I have been talking to ronicka again. I don't kno any other way to tell you, but I really wanna be with her. I really want to be friends with you, but the beef between you guys will never let up. I know you expected alot in our future, but like I've told you in the past, my decision will always be ronicka becuz I love that girl alot and I don't want to lose her. I had to make a decision that took along time to determine, but after this weekend, I know what my heart wants and its only for her. Time and time again, the harassment between you two has only been becuz of my behavior and its got to end, so I am gonna focus on me and her, and try to make angel comfortable enough to live far away from her grandmother. I wish I could tell you in person, but I kno what lengths you'll go to to try and get me to stay, but I can't risk what could be, instead of what is. Tyler will be able to see angel when hes at his grandparents house."
I told him a week ago that I was done with all this and to make it easy and not talk to me ever again. He came back the next day begging me not to go. Then he caught her doing shady things and stalking me so he ended it with her. Now he's ending it with me... not before he spent all of my money, took all of my adderall and made sure he was comfortable for the week. I know he's a horrible person because no good person would do all of the things he has done to me. No good person would do all of this with children involved. Good people don't use people to their advantage, to help them survive when life is hard. I'm a good person. I help and I help and I help. I give and I give. I love so fiercely I get burned. I'd give my last dime to make someone else happy. I wonder if there are other people like me out there. Do they get shit on by everyone too? Do they wonder if there are others?
He was at my house all day today. He spent hours cleaning his car. He took all my empty bottles when he left. He kissed me goodbye and said "I'll talk to you later." Then he blocked me from his life like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.

Some people....

Who asks a friend to borrow $17k to get out of a jam and then stops communicating with them?
I didn't think I had any friends left that would do that... guess I was wrong again.

That is a LOT of money to ask a friend and/or her family to come up with at the drop of a hat, ya know. I have spent the last several years trying to not ask for a thing from my parents, trying to figure it out on my own. I don't think I would ask them for that kind of money for myself, but I asked for him. The worst part is my parents thought about it, talked about it and said YES. I couldn't believe it. They trust him THAT much. I trusted him THAT much. After being burned by helping others out in the same way, WE trusted THAT MUCH. 

And then, unexplained, our help was no longer needed. Followed by dead air. No "Hey, thanks for trying." No "Tell your parents I appreciate what they were willing to do for me." Not a damn word.
What kind of person does that? How could I think they were my friend.... one of my BEST friends? 

What do I say now when my parents ask what happened or how he is doing or if things got sorted out? That was the last "Please can you help? " that I had available to me and it was wasted. Wasted on something I thought was important, on someone I thought was important.
This time there is no going back. Every ounce of credibility I have spent so long trying to build is gone. Crushed. Smashed. Wiped out. Never to be seen again. 

All that remains is the person that I thought I knew, that everyone warned me about, that I gave up so much for.... that I would have done anything for.... that person is now just someone I used to know.

Fuck Depression

This may come off as insensitive. I apologize now if it does.

I'd rather have Cancer than Depression. Here's why:

• Cancer has treatments that either kill it or kill you.
• You know where you stand with Cancer.
• People understand Cancer.

I never know what is going to send me into a tailspin. I never know if I am going to wake up able to leave my bed. I constantly want out. I constantly want to run away, like the depression won't follow me wherever I go. I feel bad for my children every day for having to grow up with me as their primary caregiver and I can't even handle my own feelings. How am I supposed to teach them to manage theirs? 

I drive to and from work in tears half the time. I try to put on my face when I get to my parents house so they don't worry. I hate feeling helpless to myself and looking stupid to the ones I reach out to for help. I reach out wrong. I reach out by attacking them for not being there. They don't know I need them. They have their own lives to live. I start fights with them so that I have a reason to feel angry and lost and alone. If they fight back, and they do, it only fuels whats going on inside me. Never do they reply with " I'm sorry you are having a bad day, is there anything I can do for you?" That just leads me to believe they don't know me. No one really knows me. No one knows my anger. No one knows how hard I battle against the vengeance that runs through me every day. No one knows that it takes every muscle I have to stop myself from smashing everything in my way sometimes. My fists are clenched. No one knows that I KNOW I will be alone forever. I know because you can't live with me, I can't live with me. How could anyone ever live with me, let alone really truly love me. I'm a mess and I have spent 30 something years trying to get a reign on myself with no luck. The minute I think I have it the demon rears its head again and I'm at the bottom of my hole and I don't want to dig myself out anymore.

I have had friends, boyfriends, lovers, even a husband who have dealt with depression. I was sympathetic to their feelings at every turn. I tried endlessly to be everything they needed to me to be. I tried to help in every way humanly possible. I tried patience, kindness, gifts, humor, drugs, silence... everything. Why did none of them ever try to do anything for me? 

My mom tries to buy my happiness. She doesn't understand depression. She doesn't have it, not like me or my dad. She has watched us both for years battle this and has no idea what it feels like to be in our shoes or what to do to help. My sister has always told me I was better than whatever seemed like the current problem. She has always told me how she envies how I just laugh and carry on through whatever I have been through. What are my choices? She was lucky enough to find an amazing man to love her and start a family with and I've always felt bad for her having to watch me ride this whirlwind. She doesn't need this in her life. My poor kids. They love me so much. I love them so much too. I worry everyday that my inability to keep up with their messes, which causes me to hide in my room so as to not deal with it at all, will have an effect on them. Will they grow up and say " I don't know, my mom spent most of her time hiding in her room or sleeping." Will they know that I wanted to try. I wanted to come home and do projects. I wanted to go on walks and adventures with them. I want to read to them and play games and laugh, but I can't.  I can't because inside I am crying and outside I am doing everything I can not to show them I am broken. I can't because when they argue over who sits where in the car or who touched who first or who is making what annoying noise I just want to scream and cry and quit. I don't want to anymore at that point. I just want to go back to my room and go back to sleep.

I wish I had Cancer instead of Depression. Then people would know I needed help. They would know how to help me. They would know what is wrong. I would have some idea of when it might end.

Summer Vacation 2016 - Day 1

First day of summer vacation! Ahhhhh.... everyone should be up and smiling and ready to take on the summer.... everyone except my kids. My kids have decided they want to sleep in for the first time EVER! I have to go to work and typically they expect you to show up on time to those kind of places. I ended up arguing them out the door in the same clothes they had on the day before, no breakfast, hair a mess and me half ass ready for work. Looks like a good day is rolling in.

No. No good days allowed for me.

Work is work, nothing interesting going on there... except using every free second to try and come up with games and ideas for the Pokemon Pool Party Tyler is having in 2 weeks for his birthday. This is the first time he wanted a theme that wasn't motorcycles. First time for a few things at this party. This time I'm not inviting the usual suspects. This time, its just Tyler's' friends and my immediate family and friends at my parents house. He will be at his dads on his actual birthday so hopefully he is doing something with everyone else for that. Check back for a report.

...Back to summer and it being the first day and things are supposed to be shiny and fun and freedom should be running through my kids veins.... that's how I felt the first day of summer vacation when I was growing up. Times are a changin though.
When I arrived to pick up my kids from my parents house, already late from having to stop at 2 different stores on the way home, I was greeted by Joe, who was wearing a shirt that was completely torn down one side... all the way through... why even keep it on at that point? He says a girl did it. Perfect. You are 9 and a girl just ripped your shirt off. Excellent. It was then that I noticed the charred pieces of skateboard sitting on the dumpster... what the???? I'm told there is a troubled youth living in the area and he thought it would be a grand idea to steal my kids skateboard out of the front yard, take it to his home and set it on fire, and then bring the pieces back and drop them back in the yard. This child has obviously never met my dad. My dad has a VERY SCARY angry face. Seriously, you can feel the daggers shooting from his eyes and the tension in the air that makes you wonder if he is going to just stand there or rip your body limb from limb before you can yell for Help!
My dad, led by a gang of elementary school kids, went to this kids mothers house to speak to her. When they arrived the mom, dad and kid were all in the yard. From my dads story, he looked at that kid with Tyler's broken and burnt skateboard in his hands and said "Did you do this?" Nothing. "Did YOU do this to my grandsons skateboard?" The dad tried to step in. My dad looked him right in the eye, and I KNOW he did, and said "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to him." Looked at the kid and said again "Did YOU do this to my grandsons skateboard?" The kid answered, "Yes".
The parents tried to offer a new one but my dad told them no thanks. He also told them that if he finds out this kids is setting other things in the neighborhood on fire or stealing or anything that it doesn't matter that this kid is in elementary school, he WILL call the police. Don't for 1 second think he won't. My dad spoke this way, with that look on his face, to some neighborhood trouble maker when I was about the same age as my kids are now. I will NEVER forget that moment. I bet that kid didn't either. Hopefully this kid doesn't either. Its a VERY SCARY scary face.

So after picking up my kids and their torn clothes and burnt belongings I headed home where we found a package I ordered sitting on the porch. I ordered more Styrofoam balls for Joe's chair. He had smooshed the thing completely flat somehow. I told Joe to not open them because it would make a mess and to wait until I was ready.
He tells me that it accidentally opened.....

 

That looks like an accident right????
My response, and I MAY have been yelling when I said it, was "THIS was NOT an accident. THIS was a CHOICE. Watch me right now while I make a CHOICE." As I unplugged the xbox and walked out of the room.

...That was it for me. Nothing got done that needed to get done. I went to bed with a MUCH bigger mess than I started the day with but I can tell you that not once did a kid come calling my name or ask me for ANYTHING for the rest of the night.

Let's hope day 2 goes a little bit smoother.

Ouch

It feels like someone dropped a brick on my heart.
Ya know how it seems like there is one person that can lift you up, that no matter how bad of a day or week you have had there is that one person who can always turn it around? You look forward to the possibility that you might get to see that person and the world will adjust itself back to a good place.
...and then the first thing that person says or does is out of the norm and effects you exactly the opposite of what you had hoped for. Their actions come out of left field and smack you across the face with a razor blade. Your heart instantly drops to the basement and then an elephant sits on it. Its heavy. So heavy.

I don't like this. What I don't like about it most is the power it has over me. The power to drag my brain down with it, down to sadness and pain. The power to cause me actual physical symptoms that leave me feeling hollow and heavy inside.

How does an emotional feeling cause physical pain?

7 months later.....

 Sometimes I forget things.

This isn't the first time I started a blog and then forgot. I never made it public though because I would have somehow become the bad person again and I'm tired of being held responsible. Its a downer.

Moving on from that.

Life in Pleasantville has continued on in a swirly whirly ball of disorganization and defeated efforts. The ex's girlfriend is now his fiance and due to give birth to their son in August. That was a hard one to swallow. It's getting easier though. I have grown to realize she is so much like me. We seem to have the same humor and values and obviously the same taste in men. She has given me relief that when my children are with them they will be safe and happy. Not that their dad would purposefully put them in unsafe situations.... he wouldn't realize it was unsafe until the children told me about it after the fact and I called him on it. At that point he would do or say anything to maintain that he did nothing of the sort. Somehow his fiance has managed to get him to stay home more, quit the motorcycle club and make more time for the boys. He is even planning on taking them for several weeks, spread out, over the summer. This will be incredibly helpful to me as I am in the midst of planning my sisters wedding and constantly in a major fight against depression.

Speaking of depression.... that shit is hard to live with. I'm 35 and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I spend most of the time I have without my children alone. Sometimes a prince comes and saves me. He whisks me off to a world where he and I are the only ones that exist. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to spend a lifetime with him. Alas... just like the old Tootsie Pop commercial... "the world may never know."

Tuesday is a Newday

It's Tuesday... which means we made it through the weekend of Birthday Festivities for J ....alive and with all of our fingers!!!! Yea!!!! I can't believe that kid is 8. It seems like yesterday he was my little bug. Now he's all smart and has friends. The experiment of raising children is ever changing.
So what did we do for the special boy you ask.... well, we had a party at Rollerama. This party included roller skating, video games, and lazer tag! I found it very interesting that some of the invitees had never skated before or just told us that they didn't know how and never bothered to try. My favorite grown up kid, Uncle Eron, showed up(which is always a treat) and was the only over 8 skater out there. His coolness never ceases to amaze. Dude is not scared of anything and if he is he doesn't show it. He is always ready for an adventure. Joe got some super awesome presents, mostly army stuff, but Uncle E showed everyone up with GUITARS AND AMPS for both boys. My house just got louder. What was the best part of the day???? Lazer Tag. Why? Cuz i won. :) When it comes to things such as competition and sniping 8 year olds... I WIN. Yes I should have probably taken it easy on the kiddos but I think that as a semi-adult type person accomplishing 8 years of keeping another human alive and growing I should be able to snipe away!

Pleasantville....

Pleasantville is only pleasant from the outside. On the inside, its a crazy mixed up roller coaster of emotions with piles of clothes and a sink full of dirty dishes to land in. 

Today Pleasantville got news that the Ex is taking, not only the new girl, but her kid down to see his father. Ok, I know you don't immediately see the problem. Let me point it out. He has 2 children of his own that he is not taking. One of which has a birthday this weekend, the first birthday he has had since his father was released from prison. This angers the mama bear greatly. What angers the mama bear even more is the actions of the Ex father in law. He dares post pictures and sentiments on FB to this new girl and her offspring of their weekend to come, yet hasn't sent as much as a card for his own grandchildren in 2 years. Puking is not very pleasant but its what my body wants to do over this situation.

You will come to know us all over time. I have contemplated blogging for some time and only today, out of anger and disgust, have decided to start sharing our journey in print.

Brief descriptions of those most frequently involved;
J - spastic introvert, eldest child, brilliant mind
T - just spastic, great hair, sweet dance moves, lures the ladies, youngest child
Scoob - 7lbs of love in tiger stripes, 1st baby, asshole
Buddy - 80lbs of pit love covered in allergic reactions, protector of all, biggest baby EVER
Ex - need I say more?
Erwin - the girl that is always around
Mimi - my sister
Molly - best friend that I don't get to see often enough, too much time together and we will strangle each other
Mom - Over protective financial backer I couldn't live without
Dad - a much older version of me... in a mans body

Me - the teller of the story, its my life through my eyes, it doesn't get any better

I suppose that is all for now.... Keep on keepin on....