Confirmation Day

Well if you read previous blog posts I am on a diet called Optifast 800. I was updating how that was going but I always start things and then get distracted by something else... I blame the ADD. A brief update on that... I'm down 30lbs and several inches. I'm pretty happy with it so far and will continue.

So you are probably wondering... confirmation day??? What does that mean, especially for someone who doesn't believe in god... when confirmation usually is tied to that somehow...
Today I confirmed many things. I confirmed that people don't change. I confirmed that you can give everything you have to someone and it still might not be enough. I confirmed that my ex is only happy and sexually satisfied if he is cheating. I confirmed that I will need to pick up all of my pieces and move on.... and that this time I have to. I cannot take him back again. We have been riding this roller-coaster round and round for over a year and he fights with her and comes to me and although he and I don't usually fight he continues to go back to her. He will fight with her to keep her but he will not fight with anyone to keep me. Believing that he loved me for anything more than my money and adderall is a fantasy. Confirming that everyone who has been telling me all this over and over and over and over is right is what hurts most. I don't like not being right. I am not right on this. There is not a person there that others don't see. There is not a good person there hiding behind years of struggle and pain. There is not a person there who cares about me, let alone loves me. While he always falls back on him treating me better than anyone else I have been with, that's really sad for me. He only treated me right in the beginning and he was still cheating then, Its been almost 2 years and I am still not enough and not what his heart wants. If after all this time he still doesn't "know" if I'm the one then I'm not the one. After all the times he has hurt me and left me wondering if he was only playing a role to get what he wanted or needed at the time, I should know by now that he is not the one for me either. The one for me wouldn't do this to me once, let alone repeatedly. I suck at letting go and moving on. I guess that's the next obstacle in my life that I need to overcome. Well... thanks for the ear...

Day 11

The weekends are hard. I want to snack. I want to crunch really... and salt. I had some rice chips and a small bag of jalapeno chips. Ill have to circle the block twice tonight for it.
During the week its easy to just keep working and not eat and get home, eat a soup and a shake and go to bed.
I had no problem going out to eat the other day with someone and just having water.
I feel really good overall. I like the scale going down a little at a time.

Day 8

Yesterday at my appointment I weighed 5.8lbs less than on day 1. This morning MY scale shows me down 9lbs from day 1. Both are amazing to me. I have been doing much better at staying on track with the kids at their dads. I picked up more shakes and soups at my appointment yesterday. I got 2 chocolate, 1 strawberry, 2 tomato, and 1 chicken. I need to pick up a multi vitamin and work harder at drinking 64ozs of water and go8ng on more walks. Im looking forward to seeing the scale tomorrow.

Day 5

Yesterday I ate 1 cookie, 3 carrot sticks and 6 jalapeno chips in addition to my shakes and soups. I blame my kids, especially the younger one for driving me CRAZY! Today, being Saturday, also extremely hard to stay on track. I'm at home with the boys, younger one driving me CRAZY again.... and I'm bored. I find it hard to do anything when my youngest is home. He is constantly asking questions and moving and messing with everything. I have loads of stuff I could be doing that would help in keeping my mind off snacking but I will be driven insane while doing any of those things by my inquisitive ball of energy child. I'm also completely side tracked by thoughts relating to a recent relationship.
I had my delish breakfast shake and for a late lunch I mixed a chicken soup and vegi soup. The soups smell real gross when you are mixing them but smell yummy after being heated. That is weird. Also, I'm down another pound for a total of 6... since Monday.

Day 3/4

Started at 10am with a delish chocolate shake with cocoa powder combined with a large glass of ice and 2 shots of espresso from dunkin. Had a strawberry shake on my way home at 1pm. Enjoyed my oldests last day of elementary school... tried real hard not to cry. Had a chicken soup around 8 when I actually decided to cook dinner for my kids. At about 10pm I made another vegetable soup, this time using less water and it was MUCH better, and a vanilla shake. My stomach grumbled a bit while I was going to sleep but I was fine.
This morning my scale was down 5lbs from where its been holding for the last couple years. I will report only official weight from the docs scale but give a general for my own. Same chocolate/cocoa powder/espresso drink so far. I really do enjoy that. I brought a tomato soup and something to cook it in and a strawberry shake for the afternoon. I might try one of the shakes that is mixed with the diet soda's tonight... we'll see. So far I am having problems keeping up with my water intake but everything else is fine.

Day 2

Yesterday was mostly a wash due to not being able to get the meds so I don't get any gallstones. I picked up all the extracts and spices I thought I would use. I had one of the chocolate shakes for dinner.
Today I started with a chocolate shake with some cocoa poweder in it and stopped for 2 shots of espresso over ice. That was delish. I had a strawberry shake at lunch and it was also delish. I ended up leaving work early for a kid thing and because I had brought a vegetable soup with me... but nothing to cook it in. Fail. So I made that when I got home. I think I used too much water because it wasnt very good at all. It kinda tasted like hot water with a hint if vegetables. I decided to tey the tomato soup when I was making dinner for the boys. I used less water for that and it was yummy. I'm gonna do a vanilla shake before bed. Overall it hasn't been so bad. My stomach has grumbled a bit and I was hungry this afternoon but I think its doable.

Day 1

I weighed in at 230lbs. I purchased 1 box of strawberry, 1 of vanilla,1 of chocolate and 1 of tomato soup, 1 of vegetable soup, and 1 of chicken soup. Each box is $19.95. They gave me a list of things I can make with the shakes/soups by adding diet pops, extracts and seasonings.
I got enough to get me to next weeks apppintment. Right now this totally seems doable and I'm looking forward to the results.

A horrible ending

I graduated this weekend with an MBA. I was congratulated by everyone I knew. I spent the weekend with the person I thought I would be with forever. The person I have spent the last tumultuous year and a half with. The person I have given everything to; my time, my money, my freedom, my vacation days; my heart. Even up until 9pm tonight he used my money to get gas and smokes for tomorrow. He left my house at 830pm with a kiss goodbye and an I'll talk to you later. At 920pm I received a text from him that he has decided he wants to be with another girl. He is in love with her. His text read "Hey, before you hear it from someone else, I have been talking to ronicka again. I don't kno any other way to tell you, but I really wanna be with her. I really want to be friends with you, but the beef between you guys will never let up. I know you expected alot in our future, but like I've told you in the past, my decision will always be ronicka becuz I love that girl alot and I don't want to lose her. I had to make a decision that took along time to determine, but after this weekend, I know what my heart wants and its only for her. Time and time again, the harassment between you two has only been becuz of my behavior and its got to end, so I am gonna focus on me and her, and try to make angel comfortable enough to live far away from her grandmother. I wish I could tell you in person, but I kno what lengths you'll go to to try and get me to stay, but I can't risk what could be, instead of what is. Tyler will be able to see angel when hes at his grandparents house."
I told him a week ago that I was done with all this and to make it easy and not talk to me ever again. He came back the next day begging me not to go. Then he caught her doing shady things and stalking me so he ended it with her. Now he's ending it with me... not before he spent all of my money, took all of my adderall and made sure he was comfortable for the week. I know he's a horrible person because no good person would do all of the things he has done to me. No good person would do all of this with children involved. Good people don't use people to their advantage, to help them survive when life is hard. I'm a good person. I help and I help and I help. I give and I give. I love so fiercely I get burned. I'd give my last dime to make someone else happy. I wonder if there are other people like me out there. Do they get shit on by everyone too? Do they wonder if there are others?
He was at my house all day today. He spent hours cleaning his car. He took all my empty bottles when he left. He kissed me goodbye and said "I'll talk to you later." Then he blocked me from his life like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.